How does it feel to fail?
For most of us, most of the time, it feels bad. But how bad depends on your answer to another question: How do you define failure?
Our definition of failure dictates our willingness to risk it, and therefore, our access to the good things that lie beyond.
I imagine that many of those we admire most achieve their admirable feats, in part, because of their willingness to fail. Artists, published authors, athletes, industry leaders, trailblazers, inventors – for them, failure is a necessary ingredient of success. Failure is feedback; a useful data point in the experiment of life. They can tolerate innumerable rejections, setbacks, and defeats if they define failure as just a part of living courageously.
That’s great for them. But what about the rest of us for whom failure has no positive connotation whatsoever?
Perhaps you’ve learned that failure is wrong. Or to equate failure with ineptitude. And so, when you fail, you attribute the failure to a personal deficit. And if you define failure in this way, you’ll naturally go to great lengths to avoid it.
You may avoid applying to the job, launching the business, asking for forgiveness, or trying to learn a new skill. You may continue on with something (a relationship, a job, a goal) far beyond the point at which it feels sustainable, simply because you’ve equated that thing with success, and the end of that thing with failure.
Like the client who was studying for the bar exam for the twentieth time after several decades of not passing – because he could not accept defeat.
Like the dear friend who stayed in the high-power job that depleted her so much that she struggled to feel joy in her otherwise beautiful life – because to quit would mean to fail.
Or the countless folks who default to the status quo, even if it doesn’t meet their needs – because to choose a new path means to risk failure.
The Problem of Shame
Why do rational people tolerate suffering to avoid the sting of failure?
When we equate a failure with our being flawed, we experience a powerful emotion: shame. Acclaimed shame researcher Brené Brown, PhD defines shame as: “The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.” 1
Shame is actually painful. Shame lights up the same parts of our brain as physical pain. 2
Shame is emotionally painful. Brené shares, “We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as were meant to be. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache.” 3
Given all of this, no rational human would choose to feel shame. And so, if failure causes shame, we won’t risk it. Instead, we inadvertently choose a different suffering – a life safe from failure but devoid of thriving.
The life many of us want – full of growth, impact, authenticity, connection, and joy – requires the courage to fail.
So how can we invite in failure without also inviting in shame? It’s time for a new definition of failure.
A Neutral Definition
Consider this definition: Failure is the gap between expectation and reality.
It’s a simple equation with three parts. It treats failure as neutral, rooted in objective facts and stripped of added meaning.
If your ideas about failure are anything but neutral, how can you adopt this new definition? By considering each of the parts of this equation, we can discern concrete strategies to mitigate against shame and reduce the sting of failure.
NO. 1: SET A REASONABLE EXPECTATION
A client had been employed at a prestigious organization for over 15 years. For each of those 15 years, he had excellent performance reviews and was universally admired. Then he received his first less-than-stellar review from his new boss. Though the review was not an accurate reflection of his capacity, he was deeply affected. Why? Because he prided himself in being someone who succeeded – and he felt like he’d failed. He even questioned his 15 years of success. Had he, perhaps, deceived them all, all this time?
From an outside perspective, we can see the flawed reasoning. He set an unreasonable expectation of himself: that he receive exemplary performance feedback from every supervisor every quarter for forever.
This is not to say that we should avoid ambitious goals, but let us know that they are ambitious before we begin. In other words, baked into the goal we set is a tolerance for failure.
If we set an unreasonable expectation on purpose, knowing the risk of failure is high before we begin, it allows us to recover quickly when we fall short. A unreasonable aim we didn’t realize was unreasonable at the onset? Failure may come as an unwelcome surprise.
When we shape our goals with care, we mitigate against such surprises. We experience failure as a setback, not a major blow.
NO. 2: PRACTICE RADICAL ACCEPTANCE
When we resist our current reality, including responding with incredulity or frustration to circumstances that fall short of our expectations, we increase our distress. What does this sound like?
“I thought by 40 I’d have my career figured out, I’d own a house, and I’d have a family. I really wish my life had gone differently – that I’d made different choices. Maybe I was asking too much. I don’t know what went wrong.”
This invalidating, judging, and resisting multiplies our disappointment. What is the alternative? Acceptance. The idea is that, when circumstances are less than ideal, we can reduce our distress by accepting our circumstances. It’s a powerful tool.
Acceptance is not about tolerating our circumstances in perpetuity by giving up or lowering our standards: “I guess marriage just isn’t in the cards for me.” It’s also not about choosing to be stoic, ambivalent: “40 is arbitrary. The goals I set don’t matter.” Acceptance doesn’t require that we pretend to like what’s here: “I’m a lone wolf, really. This works for me.”
Instead, practicing acceptance is about choosing in this moment to accept reality. Even as we may hope, pray, and plan for a better future. It’s accepting that what’s here right now is not in our power to change. It’s about not judging where we’re at even as we want to be somewhere else. It’s not about being unaffected, but accepting the whole situation, emotions included.
“I feel really disappointed that I’m not where I thought I’d be. I’m going to let myself feel sad – my sadness is valid. But I accept that this is where I’m at right now. My reaction is teaching me how much this means to me, and so I’ll keeping working towards meaningful work, my financial goals, and a family.”
Here’s another strategy that may help you accept what’s here, failure included. Choose to believe that there’s no alternate reality where circumstances in this moment are any different. That everything that has played out is exactly how it was always going to play out up to this very minute in time. (Psalm 139:16 is a great comfort on this topic). 4
NO. 3: GRACE WITH THE GAP
When you’re facing down a gap between your expectations and your reality, how you interpret the gap – and how to speak to yourself – matters. It can be the difference between shame and resilience.
Often, with the same set of facts, one can draw multiple conclusions. For instance, if you didn’t get a job you wanted, and didn’t receive specific feedback as to why you weren’t offered the role, you may find yourself searching for an explanation. The story you tell yourself can be neutral, empowering, or critical.
A critical story might sound like: “I really blew the interview, and if I’m being honest, I don’t have the skills to be a leader.” A neutral story might be: “Someone else probably had more years of experience.” And an encouraging story: “This decision may not have had anything to do with me. For all I know, they hired an internal applicant who was groomed for the role.”
No one of the above is more true or false. So why not gift yourself an encouraging story about the gap? Writing your own story is a potent skill for responding to failure with resilience.
Let’s say you know exactly why the gap exists – and there was something you could’ve done to improve. How you speak to yourself determines your distress. Give yourself grace and compassion.
Self-compassion isn’t just a nice idea. Neuroscience reveals that self-compassion produces tangible, biological resources that help us recover from failure. Researcher, Shauna Shapiro, PhD, shares, “We need to approach ourselves and our pain with kindness. An attitude of kindness bathes our system with dopamine. Kindness does the opposite of what shame does in the body: It turns on the motivation and learning centers of the brain, giving us the resources we need to change and grow.” 5
If self-compassion doesn’t come naturally, try this: imagine a loved one has just gone through the same situation – perhaps your closest friend or a child in your life grown into adulthood. Talk it through like it’s that person who failed, like they were coming to you for comfort.
Worthwhile Risks
Let’s trust that our worth is not tethered to a track record of success, so that we can take the kinds of worthwhile risks that lead to full, joyful lives.
Risks like challenging the status quo in our lives or in the world. Or like setting a goal that isn’t easy, or intentionally abandoning a goal that no longer serves us. Like risking failure when learning something new. Or like risking rejection when pursuing a new relationship – by asking for a first date or a playdate.
To have a life full of growth, impact, and connection requires the courage to fail. And access to this courage depends on the answer to a question: How do you define failure?
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- Brené Brown Podcast | https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-on-shame-and-accountability/ ↩︎
- NCBI Study | https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3076808/ ↩︎
- Brené Brown Book | “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” ↩︎
- Psalm 139 | https://bibleproject.com/bible/nlt/psalms/139/ ↩︎
- Shauna Shapiro | https://goop.com/wellness/mindfulness/how-to-overcome-shame/ ↩︎
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