Note: The guidance provided in this article does not apply to relationships that make you feel unsafe. If you feel unsafe, connect with the National Domestic Violence Hotline at thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-SAFE. Also, though these practices may be beneficial for professional relationships, you may want to consult with an employment lawyer if you’re experiencing harmful workplace conduct.
You have a difficult relationship. The relationship is not thriving and it is implicating your ability to thrive.
But what do you do when the relationship also feels necessary or important?
Whether the relationship is with a friend, a partner, or a family member, you have options. You can tolerate the status quo and maintain the relationship despite its setbacks. You can end the relationship despite the grief that you’ll feel. Or you can attempt to work together on the relationship.
Perhaps the above don’t feel like viable options, or you’ve tried them already. There is another way forward that can protect your wellbeing and allow the relationship to continue: you can evolve how you relate to the relationship.
What does this entail? Instead of tolerating or making demands, you can choose what you expect, what you accept, and how you respond. Below are a few practices that can help.
PRACTICE NO. 1: LETTING GO OF EXPECTATIONS
We all have expectations of the people in our lives. Like an operating manual for how an object should operate, you may have a manual for how people should behave. If you were to write down these expectations for a given person, it may take up a few lines – or several pages. Often the more important a relationship, the longer our list of expectations.
One illuminating example came up recently in my coaching practice.
A client was struggling in her relationship with her mother. Her manual sounded like: “She should really be in therapy. She should be more reasonable and predictable in her reaction to things – she’s so explosive. We’re always walking on eggshells. It is so frustrating when she tells me how to live and parent when she is unwilling to accept any guidance. I wish she was more like my aunt.”
Maybe you are aware of the expectations you have for the people in your life – perhaps they are well-defined and thoroughly communicated. Or perhaps your list is yet unknown to you, comprised of disappointments, frustrations, wishful thinking, and comparisons.
A new way of relating? Intentionally abandon any operating manual for other people. Instead of focusing on what you wish was reality, you acknowledge and accept what is reality. You may find your disappointment wanes when you are prepared for the most likely behavior from your loved one instead of hoping for ideal behavior.
What does this look like in practice? In the above example, it may sound like: “My mom is a lot of things – generous, ambitious, and strong. But she is also emotionally volatile, critical, and intrusive. I accept her for who she is and I don’t expect her to change. I am making decisions about our relationship based on who she is for me, not who I want her to be for me.”
Acceptance is a powerful tool. The other person has not changed. The facts have not changed. You have not grown to like the unlikeable qualities or behaviors of the other person. But you are not holding out for their transformation. My hope is that this new way of relating to those we care about feels liberating and empowering. You are releasing control over the decisions of others and taking control over the choices that are yours to make.
PRACTICE NO. 2: SETTING BOUNDARIES WITHOUT PERMISSION
What do we do when a person’s behavior is not just unpleasant or inconvenient, but harmful? This leads us to the next practice – boundaries.
The good news about boundaries? They are entirely within our control. Boundaries do not require the participation or permission of others. They are actions that we take to care for ourselves in our relationships. A boundary is a line we draw to protect ourselves from harm.
Boundary setting involves four steps:
DEFINE THE BOUNDARY
The first step to forming a boundary is to define the boundary for yourself: “What is the line that, if crossed, is not okay? And what will I do if the line is crossed?”
#1 New York Times Bestselling Author, Brené Brown, PhD, researches vulnerability, shame, courage and worthiness. Brown defines a boundary as an act of self-love: “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. We can’t base our own worthiness on others’ approval.”
COMMUNICATE THE BOUNDARY
Next, you need to communicate the boundary and share the consequence if the boundary is breached. You don’t need to persuade or give your reasoning – a boundary doesn’t require mutual agreement.
Author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself,” Nedra Glover Tawwab, shares why we need to communicate our boundaries: “Unspoken boundaries are invisible, and they often sound like “They should’ve known better” or “Common sense would say . . .” Common sense is based on our own life experiences, however, and it isn’t the same for everyone . . . We must inform others of our limits and take responsibility for upholding them.”
ENFORCE THE BOUNDARY
The next step can challenging. Enforcing the boundary means you hold the line, every time. This does two things: it demonstrates to the other person that your boundary is non-negotiable, and it protects you from harm.
Some simple examples:
- “If you yell at me on the phone, I will hang up.” And then you hang up.
- “If you come over unannounced, I won’t answer the door.” And then you don’t answer the door.
- “If you don’t respect the rules we have for our child, we’ll limit our visits.” And then you limit visits.
Glover Tawwab gives us some encouragement to stay firm: “Those of us who are people-pleasers assume that others won’t like it when we advocate for what we want. Therefore, we pretend to go along in an effort to be accepted by others. But healthy people appreciate honesty and don’t abandon us if we say no.”
DO NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR REACTION
The last step? Do not make yourself responsible for their reaction. If they are disappointed, angry, or sad, let them be – they are responsible for their managing their emotions.
Remember: you set the boundary to protect yourself from harm. The people you want in your life should not expect you to tolerate harm, especially harm caused by them.
This new way of relating may feel hard. But setting a firm boundary may be the kindest way forward – especially if the alternative is deepening resentment, animosity, or ending the relationship all together.
PRACTICE NO. 3: LOVING FROM A DISTANCE
Perhaps acceptance isn’t enough and we need to set a boundary. But what happens if the boundary is not respected? It may be time to create space.
The final practice? Loving from a distance. In essence, it’s choosing to care about someone while creating enough space to care for yourself.
Practically speaking, it can look like not seeing someone in person anymore. Limiting family visits to a couple of hours instead of long weekends. Maybe it means reduced communication – texting less often or taking time before calling back. Or perhaps it means not communicating at all for now.
A few things that might help:
- Ask yourself: “If I don’t create distance, will it mean staying close but without love or goodwill?”
- Consider: “Does the other person want what’s best for me?” If not, let this understanding guide you. If yes, trust that you are in the best position to know what’s best for you.
- It might create ease to use the phrase “this is just for right now.” The distance might only need to be temporary.
- If you choose to communicate that you’re creating distance (and you don’t have to), let them know that the distance isn’t meant to punish or to influence behavior. It’s for self-preservation.
A RADICAL CHOICE
Need extra encouragement to go on relating, doing the hard work of navigating difficult relationships?
Author C.S. Lewis shares a poignant message in his book The Four Loves: “There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
What kind of heart will you choose?
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Here is the book I love on boundaries. It’s called “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself” by Nedra Glover Tawwab. It comes in audiobook format, too. And here’s a podcast with the same author that explores the core concepts of her book.
Want support navigating your difficult relationships? Explore life coaching.
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